Are you currently married or in a long-term relationship? Are you familiar with the special kind of hell that is a pointless lovers’ quarrel? Do you enjoy getting triggered by life’s shortcomings? Do you fantasize about having adventures in shitty places? Do you appreciate snuff films? Yes, yes, and yes? Perfect! Then keep reading and let’s relish together in the thrilling ride that is Vacancy (2007). *SPOILERS AHEAD*

Part 1 – Honest Vibes

I know it, you know it, committed relationships are hard sometimes. Not everything is always perfect and, for one reason or another, couples suffer the occasional misfortune of poor communication; opinions may differ, discussions may escalate, sarcastic and passive-aggressive answers may be said, hot tempers may hurt feelings, a bitch or an asshole may escape our mouths while betraying all sense of respect and maturity. In sum, real relationships can be quite pathetic once in a while, so imagine my surprise when Vacancy decided to open with Amy and David Fox verbally attacking each other on their way back from a family reunion – I would not say I “enjoyed” the scene per se, but it was for sure cathartic as hell.

In all fairness, we eventually learned that Amy and David were nasty to each other because they were about to get a divorce, couldn’t stand one another, and were just pretending to be together to keep up appearances in front of their family. They were keeping their marital problems a secret, problems that aroused thanks to a sad tragedy involving their late child. To make a long story short, Amy blamed herself for the accidental death of their kid so she low-key started self-medicating and emotionally withdrawing from David. And David, well, shit, we actually did not learn any negative aspects of him, it seemed he was just there, reacting to Amy’s behavior... So anyway, both of them get stranded in the middle of nowhere due to car problems and end up spending the night at a sketchy motel.

Part 2 – Sexy Vibes

I, listen, I pride myself of being a strong independent woman who doesn’t take shit from anyone, and I am known to roll my eyes hard when archaic stereotypes are portrayed in media, in other words, I do not give the time of day to those damsel-in-distress scenarios – no rescuing prince is needed over here, honey! Having said that, ahem, in my humble opinion there is nothing sexier than when a determined, strong, protective man does his thing once a situation gets ugly (yes, I am a hypocrite, but the heart wants what the heart wants, and so does the pu$#y), so needless to say my, ahem, “heart” was very “happy” (yikes, you cannot “unread” that…) when David got all macho and started yelling and banging doors to scare off the jerks who were in the other room, bothering them for no good reason.

Amy at this point was just in the background, scared, not doing really anything, well, I’m lying, she just did whatever David told her to do which was fine by me as that allowed him to keep running the show while protecting her from the psychos with his big, strong, muscular arms.

Part 3 – Pervy Vibes

So it turned out the sketchy motel doubled as a snuff film production house and was kind of reckless with their video copies as they were left in the rooms, on top of the VCR and ready to be watched by the guests. Wait, now that I think about it, it was kind of brilliant they did that in order to instill fear in the soon-to-be prey. Nothing feels better than anticipation. Nope, scratch that, wrong scenario – nothing is worse than anticipating your own imminent attack.

So when David and Amy realized they were being recorded with the sole purpose of being the movie of the week, they, okay, David, he knew the intruders were going to be entering from inside the room and started looking for a trapdoor and—bingo!—he found it on the bathroom floor and so they went thru it and yada, yada, yada fought the bad guys and obviously won but not without first making amends and agreeing to give their marriage a second chance. The end. (Wow, did not see that happen said no one ever… cue major eye-roll in 3-2-1.)

In Love and Fear, (and Strong Sexual Arms)

-Marath