For the last couple of weeks I have been consumed by the Aaron Hernandez story.

I first remember reading about him in 2017 when the news broke all over the internet that he had killed himself in prison while serving a life sentence for first degree murder, the suicide was apparently a surprise to those following his case as it had happened just days after having been acquitted for a [different] double murder. Admittedly, I myself had not been following his case. I was not aware he was a celebrated former New England Patriots player, I was not aware that in 2015 he was found guilty of the 2013 murder of Odin Lloyd, I was not aware that this very young man had sent shock waves across the football world due to his horrible actions and secret life, all I knew on that Wednesday morning of April 19, 2017 was that this seemingly relevant man had killed himself. And so I moved on with my life.

Fast forward to Thursday, January 16, 2020 when I sat on my couch for three-plus hours devouring every little minute of Killer Inside: The Mind of Aaron Hernandez (2020). Yes, I was shook as I so candidly admitted, but I was also upset, something bothered me deep inside and I could not shake it off. Even though the docuseries did a great job at presenting a sizable amount of facts, it did not answer the most important question – Why? Why would a person living on top of the world hide so many dark aspects of his life, scratch that, why would a person like him have those dark aspects to begin with? And, most importantly to me, why would someone who had just been given a non-guilty verdict—a second chance in life, if you will—kill himself just days after? WHY!? And so I tried to move on with my life, kind of…

During my free time over the past two weeks I have completely immersed myself on the subject. I have watched every available video, short documentary, NFL clip, locker-room interview, really, anything I could find online. I have also read pieces of archived news as well as books (I particularly recommend “Aaron Hernandez’s Killing Fields” by Dylan Howard), again, anything that could possible put me one step closer to the Why.

And I finally did. And I can finally rest.

My brain is no longer trying to desperately make sense of this human being who was so out of the norm, so extraordinary and unique that got to enjoy the biggest highs as an NFL star, yet so damaged and dangerous that at will sought to live a life rich in violence, crime, guns, and drugs. Some say he lived a double life, I say he lived four lives; that of an exceptional young athlete with a growing family of his own; that of a closeted gay (or bisexual) man; that of a drug addict; and that of a paranoid, violent, murderous gangster.

You and I only saw one of his lives and were naturally appalled by his incongruent actions. Now that I am acquainted with his other three lives, I can tell you without a single doubt that the story of Aaron Hernandez ended exactly how it was supposed to end. To me, to you, to society, to mainly the victims and to their families, the story was tragic and should have never happened. To Aaron Hernandez? There was no story, it was normal stuff, day by day, moment to moment, no consequences.

One thing I would like to make clear is that after having processed all this much information about Aaron Hernandez as a whole, I came to the realization—and I am so sorry for saying this—that it was not all his fault in its entirety. Along the way, there were many people and organizations who not only enabled his violent behavior but also covered it in order to protect the bottom line; there were many life events which, presumably, out of survival, made him be secretive; there were also his innate personality traits who some speculate might have had a bigger role than his CTE in his aggressive, impulsive, immature behavior (for a really good video about the psychology of it, go *HERE*).

Another thing I would like to share that might be controversial is that, ahem, I feel bad for the guy. Yes, he was a convicted murderer serving a life sentence, but he was also a human being who did not seem to have had a fair chance at becoming a law abiding citizen. Listen, after all I read about him I can tell you with a straight face that his home, his schools, his coaches, the NFL, they all failed him. Yes, he might have been a troubled kid with alleged psychological problems, but with the love and support and understanding of his family, health providers, and teachers, he might have been able to live a normal life, unfortunately, due to his mastery in sports he was “seen” as a product rather than as a person, so when coaches had the opportunity to literally take him away from High School—six months before his senior year ended—and across the country to play college football at the University of Florida—even when Aaron could not read or write well—and start winning games for them, that’s when the proverbial bomb started ticking…

One thing that was consistent across the different sources I found was that Aaron did find a partner in prison. Kyle Kennedy and Aaron Hernandez had a strong relationship known by staff and fellow inmates. Aaron often wrote love letters to Kyle and, according to Kyle himself, they even had plans of marrying each other in the future. (When I read that, it made me so happy.) Aaron even wrote letters to Kyle’s dad which I thought was fascinating (by the way, do you remember me saying that Aaron could not read or write well? By this point, thanks to the help of Sherriff Hodgson, it was no longer an issue) because, and I am only speculating here, it sounded like the words he would have said to his own dad, the same one he was once scared of telling his truth (and yes, I read them, the letters were published). Talking about letters, Kyle never got a chance to read the suicide letter Aaron left behind for him which, of course, I find reprehensible – I hope this renewed media attention allows the person in possession of it to do the right thing, put away her pride, and acknowledge the fact that yes, Aaron was in love with someone else, a man, Kyle.

Have you read all the details about Aaron’s suicide? No? Good. That means you are not haunted by them. Let me tell you, my heart breaks for that kind of human suffering… just trying to imagine the level of emotional pain in which you must be in order to believe that no longer existing would bring you peace? I mean, that’s some deep, raw, human pain. Terrible, just terrible.

I would like to close this post by mentally addressing Aaron while I offer him a robe to cover his naked body, and a tissue to wipe off the blood from his forehead, all while I ask him to please come down and loosen the sheet from off his neck. Dear Aaron – I am sorry your story ended this way. I am sorry you did not allow for time to heal you and possibly make you a better person. You were a murderer and a criminal, but also a beloved athlete, a dad, a brother, and a partner. Even if you were a broken boy and not the man we all thought you were, you deserved a second chance, to walk away from your vicious past, to live the rest of your life in prison making a difference, being an example, a living and breathing cautionary tale of what happens when you put profitable sports before human kindness and medical treatment. Goodbye, Aaron, thank you for the ride.

“If it is to be, it is up to me.” –Aaron Hernandez

-Marath