When Competitive Sports Are Useful — THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT (2009)

October 13, 2023

“I swim. I love to swim. I can do it one more…” These were the simple, yet powerful words Mari told out loud to herself to snap back into reality. Dissociation no longer served her. The present was now and it was time to escape from her kidnappers and rapists, fast.

The Last House on the Left (2009) was the elevated remake of the controversial 1970’s movie and, contrary to initial expectations, the 2000’s version had way more violence, gore, and sex; all that and an unquestionably better story, too.

Mari and her parents were on vacation at their summer home by the lake. Their plans were easy: relax, cook, enjoy family time. Dad was a doctor, mom was in academia, and Mari was a regular teenager with a strong passion for competitive swimming. They loved each other and knew their time together was precious, but Mari being a teen and all asked for permission to go into town to visit an old friend, her mom said no but her dad said yes so away she went, taking their car with her. (She should have listened to her mother.)

Mari and her friend, Paige, weren’t looking for trouble, just a good time, after all, nothing much happened at their small, sleepy town. Here’s when they came across Justin, a handsome and rather shy boy who offered to exchange weed for a favor, you see, he was under twenty-one and could not legally buy the pack of cigarettes he wanted so the friend, conveniently working as the general store cashier, took the offer.

Mari drove Paige and Justin to the place where he was staying, the local motel. Things were going well, the three of them smoking, getting high, being silly, having a good time, until Justin’s dad arrived with his posse. Mayhem. Total chaos. Game over. The end.

Justin’s dad, Krug, did not play around and decided they needed to take the girls into the woods to kill and dispose of them, you see, they did not want to create a mess at the motel since Krug had just escaped from police custody and authorities were looking for him. They needed to stay under the radar. So to the woods they went.

Here’s when everyone’s true colors came to the surface. Krug was a vile criminal, a kidnapper, a rapist, a murderer, someone who did not care for anything or anyone, not even his own son; his two crime partners were sadistic followers, mere sheep, expendable; Justin was not a threat, quite the opposite, he tried to stop his dad from hurting the girls and was humiliated for it, you see, Justin was more than shy, it seemed that he was emotionally stunted, traumatized, even. Then the girls, Paige was a fighter but did not play her cards well and ended up getting killed quickly; Mari was a fighter also, but she had the foresight to let things play out so when the time came, when it was just right, she could make a run for it, and so she did.

Unfortunately, Mari got shot as she was triumphantly getting away, swimming as fast as she could. Fortunately, she was left for dead at the lake, underestimated for being the girl who’d just been kicked, punched, raped, and shot at, not taking into consideration her extraordinary physical ability for endurance and survival — she was an athlete, damn it!

The bullet in her back only injured her. Although she was bleeding because of it, Mari was still able to swim to shore and crawl into a backyard, her backyard. Thankfully, her doctor dad stabilized her until they could take her to the hospital, well, not before they took vengeance on the people who did this to her… oh, wait, didn’t I mention this already? As luck would have it, Krug and company were now posing as a family in distress and were taken in by her generous parents… it was a lot to process, to be honest.

It was so satisfying watching both parents working as a team, fighting against Krug and his two goons, making them pay for attacking Mari; while also protecting Justin for having helped her and for having given the gang away.

The Last House on the Left remake was a story of bad and good luck, of affluent people not being shielded from pain and suffering, of affluent people not being afraid of causing pain and suffering, of justice being served, of athletes proving they are physically superior, of swimmers being cool as hell.

(Shoot, this movie made me want to go to the gym more often & join a team or something.)

In Love and Fear,

—Marath

P.S. The end credits song, “Dirge” by Death in Vegas, hit just right:

Yes to YAZ! – The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

May 31, 2021

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is my favorite horror franchise as it not only deals with a fucked up family (so scandalous!) but also with a timeless supervillain, Leatherface.

I am not going to lie, sometimes my brain hurts while trying to make sense of the many timelines and characters but, baby, the whole Texas Chainsaw universe—eight movies and counting—is very entertaining and fun to watch so it is definitely worth a headache or two lol. One thing is for sure, movie after movie, no matter the scenario or point in time, the always misunderstood Leatherface is the one who is victorious at the end of the film which makes him a true icon in the genre, and the kills, don’t forget the kills! That towering, faceless (aka emotionless aka non-human) monster of a man, armed with a chainsaw, a meat cleaver, and meat hooks equals perfection in my book.

I would like to give you now my Top 5 Yes to YAZ! list of the most enjoyable moments from the classic nightmare that is The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003) remake:

No. 5 – The black & white classified police footage of the crime-scene walk-through played at the beginning and the end; the found footage style paired with the awkward interaction from those in it was so unnerving to watch and would have loved more of it.

No. 4 – Erin’s smart character; that woman was such a badass and don’t get me started with that dreamy body of hers. (I will stop here before I embarrass myself.)

No. 3 – Sheriff Hoyt and his family; they all were scary and somehow managed to be the perfect example of what gaslighting and manipulation looks like. I rather deal with Leatherface than with those demented folks, I’ll tell you that much…

No. 2 – Leatherface, my beautiful, beautiful Leatherface and his usual shenanigans; I know this must apply exclusively to me and my silly imagination, but the reason why I enjoy his character so much is because I sort of see him as a victimized child (yikes, it sounds bad when I say it aloud, doesn’t it?) trapped in the body of a powerful man whose sole purpose is to protect his family. In my mind, the family is the problem and Leatherface is just there paying the consequences of years of abuse and neglect (projecting much, are we?) – come on, this cannot be that crazy of an idea and I even bet you know what I’m talking about if you also watched Texas Chainsaw (2013) and Leatherface (2017).

No. 1 – The suicide of the young hitchhiker; this scene was extremely brutal and blew my mind, haaaard! The poor girl looked so messed up and frail that I immediately felt sorry for her and wanted to protect her. My heart hurt when she started crying and yelling to go the other way because she did not want to go back to the “bad man,” as she called him, when suddenly, she started freaking out even more and reached down her skirt and grabbed a handgun out of her vagina and put it in her mouth and pulled the trigger. Fuck.

So there you have it, bada-bing, bada-boom, the wacky Texans kept it real and did a great job as per usual. Bye, bye!

Excuse me, you mind getting the fuck outta my way, son? -Sheriff Hoyt

In Love and Fear,

-Marath

Honest, Sexy, Pervy Vibes – VACANCY (2007)

June 8, 2020

Are you currently married or in a long-term relationship? Are you familiar with the special kind of hell that is a pointless lovers’ quarrel? Do you enjoy getting triggered by life’s shortcomings? Do you fantasize about having adventures in shitty places? Do you appreciate snuff films? Yes, yes, and yes? Perfect! Then keep reading and let’s relish together in the thrilling ride that is Vacancy (2007). *SPOILERS AHEAD*

Part 1 – Honest Vibes

I know it, you know it, committed relationships are hard sometimes. Not everything is always perfect and, for one reason or another, couples suffer the occasional misfortune of poor communication; opinions may differ, discussions may escalate, sarcastic and passive-aggressive answers may be said, hot tempers may hurt feelings, a bitch or an asshole may escape our mouths while betraying all sense of respect and maturity. In sum, real relationships can be quite pathetic once in a while, so imagine my surprise when Vacancy decided to open with Amy and David Fox verbally attacking each other on their way back from a family reunion – I would not say I “enjoyed” the scene per se, but it was for sure cathartic as hell.

In all fairness, we eventually learned that Amy and David were nasty to each other because they were about to get a divorce, couldn’t stand one another, and were just pretending to be together to keep up appearances in front of their family. They were keeping their marital problems a secret, problems that aroused thanks to a sad tragedy involving their late child. To make a long story short, Amy blamed herself for the accidental death of their kid so she low-key started self-medicating and emotionally withdrawing from David. And David, well, shit, we actually did not learn any negative aspects of him, it seemed he was just there, reacting to Amy’s behavior... So anyway, both of them get stranded in the middle of nowhere due to car problems and end up spending the night at a sketchy motel.

Part 2 – Sexy Vibes

I, listen, I pride myself of being a strong independent woman who doesn’t take shit from anyone, and I am known to roll my eyes hard when archaic stereotypes are portrayed in media, in other words, I do not give the time of day to those damsel-in-distress scenarios – no rescuing prince is needed over here, honey! Having said that, ahem, in my humble opinion there is nothing sexier than when a determined, strong, protective man does his thing once a situation gets ugly (yes, I am a hypocrite, but the heart wants what the heart wants, and so does the pu$#y), so needless to say my, ahem, “heart” was very “happy” (yikes, you cannot “unread” that…) when David got all macho and started yelling and banging doors to scare off the jerks who were in the other room, bothering them for no good reason.

Amy at this point was just in the background, scared, not doing really anything, well, I’m lying, she just did whatever David told her to do which was fine by me as that allowed him to keep running the show while protecting her from the psychos with his big, strong, muscular arms.

Part 3 – Pervy Vibes

So it turned out the sketchy motel doubled as a snuff film production house and was kind of reckless with their video copies as they were left in the rooms, on top of the VCR and ready to be watched by the guests. Wait, now that I think about it, it was kind of brilliant they did that in order to instill fear in the soon-to-be prey. Nothing feels better than anticipation. Nope, scratch that, wrong scenario – nothing is worse than anticipating your own imminent attack.

So when David and Amy realized they were being recorded with the sole purpose of being the movie of the week, they, okay, David, he knew the intruders were going to be entering from inside the room and started looking for a trapdoor and—bingo!—he found it on the bathroom floor and so they went thru it and yada, yada, yada fought the bad guys and obviously won but not without first making amends and agreeing to give their marriage a second chance. The end. (Wow, did not see that happen said no one ever… cue major eye-roll in 3-2-1.)

In Love and Fear, (and Strong Sexual Arms)

-Marath