I have come here tonight not to talk about Pet Sematary II (1992) per se—although I will say real quick that it was a fabulous sequel with its own fresh take on death, I mean, all the unexpected accidents and kills!—but I am here to talk about one of its main characters, Gus Gilbert.

I was extremely surprised by this character and not for the usual reasons (outstanding portrayal of human suffering, navigation of extreme emotions with ease, etc.), but for the most basic and visceral one (he was insanely attractive and made me feel the feels). That is right, Gus reminded me that it is okay for Hollywood to use sex appeal as a tool to grab the audience by the proverbial balls (or ovaries), to make things exciting for adults, to arouse interest, yada yada sex.

As those of you who know me in real life have attested, I cannot resist a man in uniform, I mean, just thinking about it “puts me” in a “great” mood (wow, you cannot “unread” that… well, that line has been crossed and we are officially intimate horror friends now). Enter Gus and his police uniform and cocky attitude. Gus is not only the respected [feared?] Sherriff of the town but also an attentive [lustful?] husband and protective [terrifying?] stepdad who, to the best of our knowledge, collects rabbits because he enjoys stroking their soft fur and watching them procreate… again, I am so sorry you had to read that, I did not write the movie script, I just enjoyed it and now I’m telling you about it!

Anyhow, Gus rocked his sexual face, wavy luscious hair, tall built body, intimidating uniform, and tough attitude all throughout the movie, even when he was bit by the possessed dog and got himself turned into to a crazed zombie.

That’s it. That’s all I really wanted to say tonight. He’s too hot for his own good and I am living for it. (Hey, listen, we are not here to judge each other, but I do hope that your opinion about me has not changed now that you know I am a disgusting person for celebrating and applauding the gorgeous and dangerous Gus Gilbert.)

The End,

-Marath